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Tuesday, 27 October 2009

frustrated

I hate being a girl. I hate guys. I hate having expectations. I hate knowing that everything I do, is underrepresented. I hate trying so hard. I hate myself for trying so hard.

I have been having the most frustrating and difficult week I have had all semester. And the one person who I would turn to, that I would always be there for, has suddenly decidedly he is afraid of hanging out, is going on a mass paranoia trip about absolutely NOTHING. I am so frustrated. I am there whenever he needs me. Yet, he "doesn't have time". YET, he has plenty of time this weekend to hang out with every-fucking-one else. I just don't understand. I DON'T WANT THE RELATIONSHIP. We talked about this thoroughly. He can't even stand hanging out with me? I don't understand. His whole approach to social life is strange...he has to hang out with people individually? He can't even mesh a bunch of guy friends together to hang out? He doesn't ever want to hang out with me in public? Wtf it's starting to sound sketch, but in any case, I'm not just around to be your cuddle buddy. I'm frustrated.

I'm frustrated. It's my fault for continually inviting him to things. Therefore, it's my fault I should feel constantly rejected. It's my fault, it's my fault.

Then he says, "oh, I'll call you, I'll plan something". Well, not like this. I don't want to, since you didn't want to in the first place. Only when I bring shit like this up, do you want to.

You worry about all the other friends you've been alienating. At least I understand what you're doing. Take care of them first, that's fine. Just keep pushing everyone away.

I hate feeling this way. It's just more frustration on top of an already frustrated week. I can only take very little else. I hate this.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

UGH and today i was on facebook, and jimmy chu came up on my minifeed. Cristal Jade Mojica "liked" it. just seeing her name made me SO SAD. so UNBELIEVABLY sad. it was like just seeing those three words and my heart stopped and cried until it couldnt do anything but start beating again. i signed off immediately. i didnt want to risk seeing it again. just seeing that makes EVERYTHING that happened flash back, how hurt i was, how much i cried about it, how much it STILL PAINS ME TO THINK ABOUT IT, how much it seemed like kourosh didnt give a shit bc he just kept letting it happen and didnt discourage her or stop it or anything. i think that was my trigger. if i had to deal with something like that again, i dont think i could take it. at all... betrayal & distrust. hurt the most.
hate this fucking feeling of insecurity

i was upset today. sort of underlying throughout the entire day. i hadnt talked to kourosh since friday. he didnt call last night, asserting that bc i didnt text him back after he texted he would call, that he thought i fell asleep so he just went to bed. granted, i consciously did not text back bc i knew i would just text a "okay" text and felt it was pointless since i thought he was about to call anyway. i dilly-dallied for about an hour, blow drying my hair waiting for the phone to ring. eventually i started to work on my presentation. eventually i got tired, felt that 2am was too late for him to be up. i texted him "night" and went to bed.

this morning i got apology texts explaining why he didnt call. fair enough. that was 845 ish this morning. i didnt get any texts throughout the day, until i texted that i wouldnt be going to a bbq at night any more. so he texted he would call and we would talk for a long time.

i get home around 7, pick up my phone to text im about to shower.... figure, hey, why hasnt he texted me yet? shouldnt he be going to sleep soon? so i didnt text, figuring hey he shouldve texted by now, i DONT want to be the first. stupid for starting to play the games brian says he hates that allie plays. i always hate them too but i cant help but do it too. i go shower, get out... its about 730, no text.

i wait, i go online. i go on aim. i check facebook. i get frustrated. i check my phone. no texts, no messages no nothing. its 8pm. really, shouldnt he be about to go to bed by now? if we're going to "talk for a long time" he shouldve called by now otherwise we wont be talking long at all.

i got really upset, not sure why. just started thinking about all these things. looking at pictures; who's that girl? ugh. so frustrating.

i was crying before he even called.

i wasn't going to answer the first time. but i composed myself and let it ring until i could speak and sound fine.

apparently i sounded sad immediately, but what could i do? i was already crying, i wasnt happy about waiting. he started out in a baby voice. i didnt respond to that.

so we talked boringly for about 20-30 minutes of "what did you do..." with no details, no enthusiasm, nothing (from either side).

eventually i was thinking and got upset enough (and he asked a couple times) how next semester was going to be.

this entire summer he's been super couple-y (wanting to go to hawaii!?!? that's such a relationship thing to do!) so i was concerned that the super couple-y ness is bc he's far away and misses me and whatnot, and when he comes back and is close by all the time, he wont feel like that any more and things will just go back to how they were last semester (shitty as FUCK.)

he responds that "we'll be together". what? "like together. together together" ....i dont get it. "like we'll be together; not like sophomore year, but we'll be together"

and it launches into this whole thing about how he wants to be together, but not every waking moment together, and still spend time with his guy friends and stuff. which is fair, and i saw that part coming bc of what vania told me, but i had never expected him wanting to be together.

naturally i attribute that to his being far away and being homesick, missing me yadda yadda. so i start asking questions as to why, when did this happen? what happened to being single, why the change of heart?

he did not respond very patiently or nicely. he got frustrated quickly, and couldnt understand what i wanted from him.

what i want, is the SECURITY of knowing that i dont have to worry about whether i can trust you. NOT sometimes wishing i had your facebook password so i could check up on you, to confirm what you told me bc i just cant believe the first thing you tell me all the time. i DONT WANT TO HEAR you say everything will be great, and when i ask "how do you know" to respond with "i dont know". it sounds like you're giving me FALSE HOPE, like you don't even really know how you'll act! i admit im scared as FUCK that some other girl like Cristal will come along, and i will go through EVERY SHITTY THING I EVER WENT THROUGH last year again and you cant have the patient to understand WHY I FEEL THAT WAY?! if you try to tell me that "it wont happen" but when i ask "why" and you say "i dont know", that's not reassuring at ALL. it's like you're telling me, oh i wont do it...but when questioned you admit that you dont even know that you wont do it! a reassuring answer is "bc i dont want to be with anybody else" or something along those lines, that confirms that youll ACTUALLY BE SERIOUS this time. "just knowing" something doesnt cut it when ive been told so many times that you "havent been messaging girls" but find out that you have been behind my back. maybe you're impatient now bc you're tired and you've had a long week (its only tuesday btw....and you did go to a concert last night, so ...yeah.) but maybe its also bc you dont quite understand how it feels to ALWAYS second guess someone as a DEFENSE mechanism, to always be watching out for your own heart, so you dont get hurt again. I do love you, but this isnt how love should feel. its frustrating as FUCK. and i hate how every single day, every morning and afternoon, i have to sit in the car with brian yeh as he texts and calls his girlfriend bc he knows that girls need the attention, the devotion, the reassurance. he understands how to keep her happy, and always says to us, "as long as allie is happy, im happy and we'll never fight"

it is so hard to sit through hearing how amazing their relationship is, how it's possibly everything i could ever want. brian has so many dreams in life, and they always revolve around allie, she's always in his life. he's learned how to be the best boyfriend possible to hear. when i hear his stories i sometimes thing that she's ridiculous and she asks for A LOT, but brian still complies. i dont even ask for a THIRD, not even a QUARTER of the things she does! she's like the stereotypical gf who gets mad at everything--a little picture that looks like we're holding hands??-- yet he does everything to make her happy. i dont even want a quarter of what she demands yet i cant even have it. it is so frustrating.

im sorry if sometimes "your word" just doesnt cut it any more. most of the times it does, but when you're as unsure about it as i am, its no use telling me it will be okay, bc i can hear it in your voice that youre not even sure that youll do everything it takes to make sure its okay. and thats the worst part. not knowing is fine... but maybe if you knew that you would at least try to make everything work, then it really would be okay. there's a difference (and it hurts) between not knowing and doing nothing to prevent things from going a certain direction, and not knowing but doing everything you can to make sure things go the RIGHT direction.

brian is partially right about the attention from rohit/simpson. granted, i think he builds it up a lot ("omg, simpson is obsessed with you...simpson really does love you...he talks about you all the time in the office... give him a goodbye kiss, it would make his summer he's been hoping you would" and "rohit told me that he wished he would have tried to be with you at the beginning of summer. he said it'd be like a 5% chance that you would, but he still wishes he tried...he's sick of anna he thinks she's annoying...") but it has shown me that things could be different. i could have the committed boyfriend i want. he might not do all the lovey dovey things i would want, but at least he would be PROUD to admit, to TELL PEOPLE that he had a girlfriend, make it public and not care or worry how it would affect his chances with other girls. i mean, it doesnt even have to be about other girls! how about how it looks to other guys?! honestly. its not THAT BAD of a thing to have a girlfriend. i dont understand what the fuck this has all been about anyway. SUFHEIFH UGH. the summer away has been a good thing, i guess, for both parties. kourosh realizes he misses me a lot when he doesnt have me around. i realize that...i dont have to live with this feeling of insecurity. i dont deserve it. i know i dont. i hate it.

Tuesday, 09 June 2009

always so sad...

blah. so i'm reading my private entries about this whole debacle with kourosh. and ugh they make me so sad, they make me want to cry for reliving all the bullshit. looking back...why haven't i done anything still? i was so angry, so determined when i wrote those... and now i'm just not doing anything about it. i think a big part of it is my fear of losing him entirely, though he says that would never happen. and he is DAMN LUCKY i'm afraid too, otherwise it would be much easier for me to cut him off and not talk to him.

last night i found out he changed his fb password AGAIN. before it was like "i like my privacy and its not fair bc i dont have yours" and then he DID have mine. and now, he has changed it again. i dont know why. and i guess i shouldnt jump to conclusions either but this shit stresses me the FUCK OUT and i really hate it. and i guess for that all this really is not worth it. seriously...you're like, 3000 miles away why do you need to change your password? and he doesn't tell me much about the people he's meeting etc which kinda bothers me. i guess i havent either, but i guess we havent really talked a lot as it is. i try to be rational with regards to our "relationship" bullshit but its very hard. i still think its complete bull, and that i should be doing more for myself than being stuck in something so...lacking. you cant ever throw yourself full-force into something like this. its just honestly...not the same any more. it makes me sad every time i think about it, which is reaally very sad in general for whatever future there may be. it appears that theres really no other ending to all of this anyway, and i really dont understand why i am waiting around to find out, rather than just doing something about it.

i dont know what it was that made him want to change his password. since i knew what his password was, i've only checked the couple of times during finals (when i was procrastinating) and everything was fine...and so i havent checked AT ALL until this past week, once when he didnt respond to any texts or messages or whatever (he was trashed) and then once last night. and that once last night was unsuccessful loll since the password was changed. i dont know what happened. embarassingly though, his inbox is full of my picture icon..aka, all the messages have been from me. i should stop doing that. hahahah maybe he's trying to change that and doesnt want me to see. loll whatever. what bullshit. i get more tired of this every day. its a good thing he's gone for the summer. maybe he'll learn to appreciate me (finally). but until then... should probably cut off communication cold turkey. it'll be hard. but we'll see what happens. haha we'll see if i can even do it in the first place.

but again, what i dont understand...with all the shit that he's doing, is that he does it time and time again, even when he knows that it hurts me.
I WISH HE WOULD JUST CONSIDER MY FEELINGS WHEN HE DECIDES TO DO SOMETHING! IF I WERE TO DO THE SAME, HOW WOULD HE FEEL?! ugh.

Monday, 01 June 2009

blind eye to hypocrisy

So today Cindy had a bit of an issue with Tom her bf...and she was telling me about it over AIM, explaining how she felt like a total fool about believing him, yadda yadda (basically, he said he had to work, couldn't hang out with her despite all these promises etc etc; but then she finds out later via sneaky fb methods that he had actually planned a party at his second apt--that she has no idea about!--and is likely why they didnt hang out).

So she's explaining the story to me and I'm trying to be sympathetic, she asks me whether she should just confront him bc thats what Tran suggested. I agree, and I rattle off some more advice that I learned during my dealings with Kourosh. I personally thought they were helpful. And I personally, always listen to advice...I don't take advice as "you should do this" I take it as "you could do this" even if it is phrased with should instead of could. In any case, she blasted back with a "he isnt like Kourosh, he doesn't come back around every time I'm upset" ...excuse me?? I'm sorry your relationship is not that, but I don't think my thing should be put on blast either. I didn't say "assuming he'll come back when you're upset, do this" type of thing. If someone loves you enough that theyll do anything to stop losing you (as I think in many cases is what brings Kourosh around when I'm upset, other than just caring about your gf/person being upset) then I think that's something worth being involved in. But it appears her relationship isn't like that at all, that if she were to threaten or imply that she wanted to break up, Tom might not care as much. I dunno...I personally don't think that's something worth being involved for...if he doesn't even care to tell you about a secondary apartment..or have the decency to tell you about him leaving to Hawaii (like what happened last December).

This is compounded by the fact that last week (or two ago), after the summer party thing I had where Kourosh didn't show up, and she asked me whether I was mad and I was okay then but then found out Kourosh hadn't even left Berkeley and was upset...she told me that she couldnt wait for the day when I would finally realize that it all wasn't worth it and I would break up or leave him altogether, stating that time and time again I've been hurt, and I knew it was going to happen, and I should have been stronger, yadda yadda. HER telling ME to be stronger?? For one thing, I do know that, and I do like the encouragement and reinforcement...so that statement is okay. But the "realize it's not worth it" is a little...hypocritical. How many times has Tom let her down? That's the biggest thing that bothers me about their relationship. Yet...I don't know, I don't tell her that it's about time she realizes she's too good for it. I've been there to remind her that it has happened before, but I have not told her (sort of in that, when-it-happens-I'll-say-I-told-you-so manner) that it will happen again at her own demise.

I don't know. It just kinda ...saddens me to see that something as simple as this displays such a huge hypocrisy. It's fine to bash my relationship bc it's volatile or whatever where one minute I'm angry as hell and the next we're perfectly fine again...but it's like, don't tell me you're waiting for my realizing something that's for my own good, when in your own relationship, you let the same thing happen again and again. We are BOTH doing the SAME THING to ourselves, letting the same thing occur over and over...I have accepted it. I know it happens. At times I choose to live happily with it, enjoying the moment as it comes. I don't know what she does. But I don't criticize her for doing what she does, and falling into the so-called trap again and again because I know what it feels like. I know how difficult it is to let go, how something so upsetting can be easily overlooked because of your love for someone. I SYMPATHIZE. I don't judge or criticize.

Earlier in the conversation, I asked her how she felt, because I wanted to make sure she was okay. She said general things...then I asked more specifically how she felt about Tom: "do you hate him? love him? are you furious with him? do you want to wring the truth from him?" etc things like that that are pretty general.

She responds with "in times like these, I think our differences really show Jeni"..."I'm not letting myself get to the i love him i hate him things because I don't know what he did to me yet"

Okay. Fair on the second point. But on the first?! I'm sorry, but that's a huge assumption to make. Maybe she didn't get that I was merely rattling off possible feelings, and not things that I may have personally felt. Never have I hated Kourosh when something happened, never have I felt vengeful and wanted to take out my anger on him by bringing something else worse on him. I just feel like her statement assumed I would, and assumed I went through this huge emotional thing! I just feel like that statement was SO unfairly judgemental!! Assuming I did this and that, and that I didn't handle things maturely or whatever. Ugh!! It was such an unfair statement and it's still bothering me. I had just responded with a "haha...indeed it does". She followed with a "i'm just impatient, curious" etc, which are the exact feelings I have in my dealings with Kourosh. I'm upset, but I want to know the whole and entire truth directly from him, and I too become impatient when I can hear about them next. After the second part I countered with "haha uhhh well i never get to the hating kourosh part either, i just get really upset about it. i dont ever think its possible to hate someone you love that much until you dont love them any more" since I just felt like I had to say something.

URGH. I never knew I could be so...saddened by a conversation with Cindy. I dunno. It just clearly displayed a bit of how differently we deal with situations, true, but I still take her advice and I still want to know how she feels and what she would do because she's my friend, and I care about her opinion. I don't point out how different it is. Different is good! It's a new perspective.

sfuheewuh

I'm just so surprised by this experience. So strange...frustrating even.

*sigh*.

The conversation got the point where it was clear she didn't want any more advice from me so she didn't get it. Plus at the beginning had already said she was talking to Tran and others. Fine, they've known her much longer. Plus they come from "her side of things" as she would have pointed out. UGH sdfjhefuh I would never notice these things in people!! I don't know why she happens to point them out. Makes me quite sad. =\

Night.